Okay, people.

I’ve been in New York City for slightly less than three weeks now, looking for work. It’s not been going so well, but it’s been okay-ish because I at least have had a roof over my head.

However, apparently this is going to be coming to an end pretty soon, for a couple of reasons, and I’ve officially gone from stressed all the time to actively being afraid for my safety.

I can’t afford to just say “oh, I hope you’ll read this” anymore. My ass could very well be grass very soon. I need help.

I have started a ChipIn. I’ve expanded it from $600 to $1000. I know that sounds like a lot, but $1000 can get me a room in a shared apartment for two months if I use a particular lodging service. That’s all I need. I’m still applying for jobs- 10 today so far on care.com alone- as often as they come up. I obsessively check for new listings several times a day, I answer ads on Craigslist too, I am not exactly sitting on my ass and hoping the world will hand me luxury on a platter here.

If you can drop even a dollar into the ChipIn, please do it. I’m scared. I’m doing everything I can and everything is falling apart really fast and hard and I seriously don’t know what I’m going to do otherwise. Even if you can’t put anything in the ChipIn, please at least reblog this so other people can see it. I’ll update as soon as things improve, if they do.

Teja and I were talking gender roles in theater this evening, and I had a realization.

See, my path in my head, decided upon very firmly last May, is that I fully intend to get a job in musical theater over in the German-speaking parts of Europe. More opportunities, etc. It's been in my ~life plans~ for some time now that I want to play Magda in Tanz der Vampire, and I've gotten some encouragement that vocally I'd make a good Elisabeth.

I don't think I want to play Elisabeth anymore, though. I want to be this guy.

God dammit, I want to be the first woman to play Death in a non-Takarazuka production. It would be awesome, and quite frankly it would not change a damn thing other than make Elisabeth herself seem kind of gay, but, well, with a male Death one gets the impression that Rudolf is rather gay, so it's no big deal.

I really want to like this musical. I really, really do. God knows I already like a significant number of the songs ("Penser l'Impossible" is honestly one of my current favorite songs to listen to, period, and "Six pieds sur terre" is a close runner-up.) I already am familiar with the plotline from the other Mozart musical and Amadeus, both of which I like a whole lot. The English-speaking fandom alone seems fantastic.

The problem is, the stuff I don't like about it, or am even just indifferent to, is enough to severely put me off my plate. It's all a matter of personal taste, not me passing judgment on its artistic merits (shit, son, I still can't quit Starlight Express, however much dignity I'd gain by doing so. I am hardly the final arbiter of quality theater).

For one thing, it seems to be virtually a requirement for this fandom to be all the hell over mentally dating either Mikelangelo Loconte or Florent Mothe or both, and I'm sorry to say that neither of them makes me go particularly weak in the knees. This isn't at all helped by the fact that both of them- particularly Florent Mothe- happen to be given some of the most waily, emo-rock songs I've ever heard in a musical- think Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson-style material turned up to eleven and without the winking humor. I'm not knocking that style- in fact, I'd say if you like that kind of music, you really should treat yourself to this album. But it's not my type of music, and I usually end up skipping it. (Also, after Amadeus, it's a little hard to not side-eye the idea of a Salieri who looks about 30 but in a teenager's heavy eyeliner and black fingernail polish.)

I don't know if I've ever had such a strong NOT SURE IF WANT reaction to a potential fandom before.